Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile
Director: Josh Gordon and Will Speck
Writer: Will Davies and Bernard Waber (original author)
Starring: Shawn Mendes (probably the most wholesome celebrity who got famous from Vine), Winslow Fegley, Constance Wu, Javier Bardem, Scoot McNairy, Brett Gelman,
Reason for watching: Because the idea of a singing crocodile who befriends a child and was previously owned by Anton Chigur is so crazy it might just work
Number of times I’ve watched it: first time viewing
***
Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile is hilarious. Not because it is a quality kids’ movie or because the actors or actresses in this movie are funny or given great material to work with. It’s because it is an absolute trainwreck of bizarre details and moments that seem like they are out of a Tik Tok or a bad SNL skit. The characters are almost too ridiculous to even be realistic or relatable. We have incredibly mediocre CGI that looks like it would have been on the cutting edge five years ago. All of this combines to make this a bizarrely fun time.
This movie is about a singing crocodile named Lyle. That is all. He was discovered by a pathetic excuse for a magician named Hector P. Valenti (Javier Bardem) who wants Lyle to perform on stage to pay back Valenti’s debts. But Lyle’s stage fright keeps him from performing. So Valenti has to leave him in New York. Eventually, a family moves into the townhouse where Lyle is staying. The son Josh (William Fegley) befriends Lyle and it is not long before his mom (Constance Wu) and dad (Scoot McNairy) are on the Lyle wagon too. Valenti returns and attempts to get Lyle back on the stage after he has also won over the family. The movie takes a bizarre twist from here, and I won’t discuss it quite yet so you can avoid spoilers for this awful movie if you would like.
Before I get to said spoilers, I want to explain why this movie doesn’t work. It’s the details. All of the small interesting parts of a story that make it feel real are tossed into Lyle in such a way that make zero sense and are honestly creepy. For instance, Valenti’s constant attempts to get his crocodile friend on stage are meant to make him look like a supporter. But in reality he is just trying to make a buck off the singing croc to pay off his debts.
Oh, and did I mention that Valenti is constantly being pressured by the mob for money? He still owes them for all of his failed stage shows and acts. That’s why he keeps trying to get Lyle to see And by the end of the movie it just goes away. But it is one of the many bizarre things that happen here. Lyle has bizarre interactions with so many people. There’s a scene where he dances with Josh’s mom in the dining room which has an oddly seductive nature. Then there are these incredibly creepy CGI animals throughout the movie that do not look anything close to real. Particularly this little cat that is next door neighbors with Lyle Lyle looks faker than a Kardashian. There are other crocodiles in this movie that look no more real than Lyle himself.
Okay, so the final twists in this movie are ridiculous. Because he is still technically Lyle’s owner, Valenti sells him to the zoo for enough to cover his debts. This completely breaks Josh and his family’s hearts. But Josh manages to help Lyle to escape after Valenti has a change of heart. Then for no explicable reason they decide Lyle needs to go to a televised talent show competition right away. Of course Lyle gets a bout of stage fright, but he overcomes it at the last possible second to win the show. So does Lyle start recording albums and doing shows right away? NOPE! The family goes on a road trip vacation to end the movie and now Valentino lives with them full time. (Oh, and did I mention Valentino continued to live there because of a stipulation he put in the sales contract years ago when he sold the townhome?) There is just so much crap going on in this movie.
Honestly, there is nothing positive for me to look at here so I’m going to cut this review short. I may need to watch it again to remember what all I loved about the experience. Because I laughed at this movie a lot.
2/10
Until I see another one.