Sam’s 2022 Half-Way Awards
Another year halfway gone, another beginning of the year with some movie surprises and summer blockbusters. I am so glad we are able to back to theaters with much less consequences than the last year. We got some ridiculous comedies, a few good action entries, and as usual some very “meh” movies. So we need some midway awards to be given out. As usual please note that I came up with all these nominations today and there is very minimal thought that goes into them. I take it seriously but not enough to plan it out months in advance, so here we go! Sam’s 2002 Half-Way Awards!
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“We waited forever and now it’s here!!” award: Top Gun: Maverick (Honorable mentions: Downton Abbey: A New Era, Death on the Nile, The Batman, Deep Water, Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness)
It was not the first movie delayed due the pandemic, but it has certainly been delayed a lot. From Summer 2020 to Thanksgiving 2020 to Summer 2021 to Thanksgiving 2021 to finally Memorial Day Weekend 2022, Top Gun: Maverick’s release was delayed so much it’s almost as bad as when I say that I am going to start dieting. Credit where credit is due though, Tom Cruise and the brass at Paramount Pictures knew they had a hit on their hands and refused to let it come out at a time when it would not perform well financially. Considering it just passed $500 million domestically, has grossed a billion dollars worldwide, and was competing with newcomer Elvis for the top box office spot a month after its premiere, I would say Maverick has delivered big time. Boy, am I glad it’s here finally.
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Most Mediocre Netflix Documentary award: Our Father (Honorable Mentions: Trust No One: The Hunt for the Crypto King, The Tinder Swindler, Downfall: the Case Against Boeing, White Hot: The Rise and Fall of Ambercrombie & Fitch)
Netflix is no longer an up-and-comer in the film and television industry; they are a juggernaut. They have massive budgets and are constantly providing fans with new products to watch and view. Their connections are vast as they have the world's brightest stars like Ryan Reynolds and Gal Gadot in their projects, and they have films from the most talented filmmakers like Martin Scorsese. There is so much the studio is capable of, so why then do they make such incredibly boring documentaries? Do not get me wrong, the actual subject matter of these pictures are interesting. The winner of this award, Our Father, follows Dr. Donald Cline, a fertility specialist, who artificially inseminated dozens of women with his own sperm. Intriguing story, right? Yes, but the filmmakers have the most bland and predictable style. Each new shocking discovery attempts to one up the last. No attempts are made to understand why Cline did what he did. The interviews do humanize Cline’s children to us, but anyone who hears the story would sympathize with them. Why are we not trying to do something more out-of-the-ordinary with such an interesting subject matter? It is par for the course for Netflix though as I have never seen an interesting documentary from them.
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Best Individual Acting Performance: Jenna Ortega in The Fallout (Honorable Mentions: RJ Kyler in Emergency, Miles Teller in Top Gun: Maverick, Michelle Yeoh in Everything Everywhere All at Once, Stephanie Hsu in Everything Everywhere All at Once)
Man, Jenna Ortega has been busy this year! On top of the above mentioned movie, which I’ll get to in a second, she appeared in the fifth Scream movie, X the porno-horror, and will be playing Wednesday Addams in an upcoming Netflix series. She shows a lot of scream queen range with X and Scream, but her performance in The Fallout breaks the audience. Following a school shooting, high schooler Vada (Ortega) has to deal with the emotional trauma that she has gone through and the relationships that are forever changed because of it. Ortega’s performance is devasting. The feeling of hopelessness that she demonstrates reminds us just how tragic these shootings are and what they do to those who are most affected by them. However, she also shows a glimmer of hope as there are moments of growth near the end and realization of how she will have to deal with this tragedy forever. An acting showcase like this is a sign of great talent and makes me hopeful for her future!
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Worst Franchise Entry: Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore (Honorable Mentions: The Batman, Ice Age: Adventures of Buck Wild, Scream (2022), Jurassic World: Dominion, Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
Where are we going here, man? What is the point of this franchise? It really is just to line the pockets of Warner Brothers and JK Rowling. But the lack of originality here and completely telegraphed story do nothing for loyal fans of Harry Potter and the Wizarding World that they fell in love with. The first Fantastic Beasts movie showed promise as we learned more about the unique creatures that shared this world with wizards and witches. Now in Secrets of Dumbledore, those same mythical beasts have almost been completely sidelined in our following of a boring political story that serves as further setup for a supposed “epic” duel between Dumbledore and Grindlewald. Making a movie as set up for another and taking away what fans loved about your franchise is no way to get people on board. Fourth and fifth entries are planned for this franchise. I doubt they will see the light of day.
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The “Holy crap! That dude is ripped” Award: Alexander Skarsgård in The Northman (Honorable Mentions: Glenn Powell in Top Gun: Maverick, Miles Teller in Top Gun: Maverick, Channing Tatum in The Lost City)
Am I dieting? Yes. Am I working out? Yes. Will I ever look as good as any of these guys? Hahahahahaha no. Honestly, none of these dudes really stand out above the others in my mind physically. They all have done great work and should be lauded for their dedication to fitness and exercise. But considering Alexander Skarsgård is 45 years old and managed to get in so good of shape he scares his enemies just by taking off his shirt, I have to give him the win. (Seriously, this look is absolutely terrifying.)
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Best Comedy: Jackass Forever (Honorable Mentions: The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, Emergency, The Lost City)
I thought I had grown out of straight slapstick being hilarious. It seemed classless for me to laugh at a man or woman just hurting themselves for my entertainment. They could get seriously hurt. So I did not expect myself to laugh so hard when I walked into Jackass Forever this February. Wow, was I wrong? The amount of physical punishment Johnny Knoxville and his merry band of stunt people put themselves through is absolutely hysterical. Every scene has something in it to make me laugh. Some of them are honestly quite inventive, like this one or this one or even this one. Honestly, I did not laugh this hard in any other movie this year. Nice work, jackasses.
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Most Brutal Kill Award: Wanda takes a page from Mr. Smith in Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (Honorable Mentions: Final Decapitation in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Headbutt to Death in The Northman, Vomiting Film in Choose or Die, Shredder in Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness)
Was I expecting cameos in Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness? Yes of course. Was I expecting Wanda to kill them all inside five minutes of meeting them? Not a chance. Adding beloved characters to the MCU, especially ones as well-known as Mr. Fantastic or Professor X, usually means they will be around for a while. So seeing the Scarlett Witch go absolutely HAM and offing them one by one was pretty shocking to see. Honestly, this first kill where she seals off Black Bolt’s mouth which freaks him out so much he pops his own top seemed too violent to be in a PG-13 movie. Definitely brutal.
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Best NBA Player as a Villain Performance: Anthony Edwards in Hustle (running unopposed)
Most basketball movies I have seen have been pretty tame on the trash talk side. Usually, the most competitive it gets is seeing two different teams get into a little scuffle. But some of the best NBA stories revolve around legends insulting each other and getting into each other’s heads. Hustle might be the first movie that captures this side of professional basketball, and all that is thanks to a performance from Anthony Edwards. Several times throughout the movie the main character Bo (Juancho Hernangomez) is lined up against Edward’s Kermit Williams in scrimmages or games. Edwards uses some time-tested and proven tactics like making fun of our protagonist’s name, waving to Bo’s daughter in the stands, and whispering jokes to him after scoring on Bo. It was an acting job that Michael Jordan would be envious of, and it took the movie up a notch.
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Best Movie: Everything Everywhere All at Once (Honorable Mentions: The Northman, Turning Red, Top Gun: Maverick)
If I had a nickel for every good multiverse movie that came out in 2022 I would have two nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird it happened twice, right? Seriously though, Everything Everywhere All at Once handles the exploration of other universes just as well as other entertainment in the same vein like Rick and Morty while having an incredible amount of heart as well. The central story follows mom Evelyn (Michelle Yeoh) and daughter Joy (Stephanie Hsu) as they learn to overcome their differences and become closer. Particularly the third act of the movie and one scene where the two exist as rocks really bring this part of the story home for me. Please make time to watch it. It will be worth your while.
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The year has been a little subpar thus far in my opinion, but I know the back half of the year will have some bangers! Please keep showing up to movie theaters! We all know that Tom Cruise needs the money.
Until I see another one.