Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones
Director: George Lucas
Writer: George Lucas and Jonathan Hales
Starring: Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Christopher Lee, Samuel L. Jackson
Reason for watching: Showing Jane the Star Wars movies for the first time
Number of times I’ve watched it: Sheesh. At least 7 or 8.
***
NOW THIS IS THE WORST STAR WARS MOVIE.
I wasn’t exactly old enough to remember the complaints about The Phantom Menace when it was released, but most of what I didn’t like about that one got repeated here. And good old George Lucas doubled down on his nonsense. Didn’t like political side of Star Wars and hated the weird senate side plot? Well too bad! Now we have a civil war, emergency powers being granted, and senate votes about whether or not the Republic should have a clone army. Was the dialogue too exposition heavy for you? They traded that in for sweet nothings and forbidden love discussions that make Sam cringe. Does Jar Jar Binks make you wanna take the blue pill and forget it all? Well he’s not here as much this time, but still he’s here….and he still screws everything up.
Again, is this prequel without merit? No. There are enjoyable sequences. The action and fight sequences certainly keep your attention unless there’s a small Jedi involved in the fight (more on that later). More world building is beneficial as well. The ground work for Anakin eventually turning to the dark side is laid down well with the death of his mother. It might be the only good acting from Hayden Christensen when he finds his mother in the tuscan raider camp. Again we get a good performance from Ewan McGregor, and his physical appearance in this movie was the cause of many divine memes. Sadly that’s about it though.
To return to the theme of Lucas doubling down on things that people did not like in The Phantom Menace for Attack of the Clones, the dialogue is even worse here. There is not a conversation between any two characters that doesn’t feel artificial and forced. Take the re-introduction to Anakin and Obi-Wan in the elevator. They’re supposed to be convening a long and healthy friendship, but Obi-Wan just comes across as annoying and snippy. Anakin seems so easily distracted. This example reminds me of another problem. There is not nearly enough screen time devoted to developing that relationship between Obi-Wan and Anakin. We see the master and apprentice side of things, but if we’re gonna get some context for how important their ultimate duel will be the foundation needs to be stronger. While the fight scenes do keep you interested, it is upsetting that the legacy of Yoda being a small and wiseman type Jedi for him essentially turning into a Ninja. But Jane enjoyed that scene, so I suppose it has it’s merit.
Frankly that would be enough criticism for me to drop this movie down several notches. But I can’t ignore the real thing that bugs me here: HOW DO ANAKIN AND PADME END UP TOGETHER AFTER THIS MOVIE???!!!! I get it. She develops sympathy feelings for him. He’s not the ugliest dude ever (especially since he hasn’t been lit on fire yet). And he seems altruistic and caring. But my goodness. This dude has no game. Every word out of his mouth just makes him sound creepier and desperate. Is he supposed to have game? Hell no. He was raised on a sand planet with his mom and left to become a warrior, space monk before he hit puberty. But Padme is an actual senator and former Queen (which is an elected position in this universe, unlike our friends from across the pond), so she has to have some level of intelligence. The math just doesn’t work in this relationship. Only legitimate excuse I can think of is that somehow he is mind-tricking her into loving him without him or her knowing. Which not only would be copying of another famous franchise made for kids, but it brings up another large set of ethical questions.
3/10
Until I see another one