Race to Witch Mountain
Director: Andy Fickman
Writer: Matt Lopez, Matt Bomback (somehow this dude wrote this garbage fire and then the second two Planet of the Apes movies. How?), Alexander Key (original book author)
Starring: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, AnnaSophia Robb (why is there no space between her first names?), Alexander Ludwig, Carla Gugino, Ciaran Hinds.
Reason for watching: Jane had control of the TV and I could not convince her to watch Star Wars 9 tonight like I wanted to
Number of times I’ve watched it: first time viewing and hopefully the last
***
Alright I already wrote this review, and then SquareSpace exploded and wouldn’t save my stuff so then it disappeared. Jane made fun of me for not writing my post somewhere else, and I am genuinely mad about the whole thing. I thought I wrote some good stuff in there, but whatever.
Anyway, I usually try to give a movie my full attention when I think I’ll write something about it so I don’t miss anything crucial. But after twenty minutes of this movie, I decided that this movie was not going to be the next Citizen Kane. So I decided to start writing down my inner dialogue about this movie. Mostly it consists of rhetorical questions and stupid comments. Nothing critical. Everyone okay with that? Good. Wait…you’re not okay with it. You want me to work for that sweet, sweet internet traffic? Too bad. Here’s my stream of consciousness from a one-hour-and-forty-minute movie about aliens or something.
Did we actually have both Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton taking about aliens in that opening montage? Imagine if this movie comes out in 2020. For sure, they would’ve had Trump making some stupid comment in there.
Okay, quick google search. The Rock is tall. Quite tall. So for this movie to realistically make me think that they found two actors who were taller than him, there are only two options. Number one: those two actors have terrible footwork and missed their chance at the NBA because they have to be at least 6’8”. Or number two: they stole Tom Cruise’s stool, and he wants it back. Oh look, here he comes.
Alexander Ludwig and AnnaSophia Robb actually look like they could be siblings. Which is the only part of their characters that doesn’t take me out of this movie. Seriously, until the end where they get sedated, they are acquiring or showing us new powers every ten minutes or so. Telekinesis. Telepathy. Matter integrity. Reading minds. Speaking animal languages. Super Strength. If they let these two go on for a sequel (thank God they didn’t), they both would become Dr. Manhattan and become one with the universe or something.
At some point later in the movie, Robb’s character tells the Rock (whose character’s name I have forgotten despite it being said 100 times in this movie) that Gugino’s character finds him attractive. Not that big of a stretch usually, but the rock hasn’t started shaving his head yet. And that widow’s peak is sharper than his jawline.
Hey! Here’s a tip! If your movie has more cuts during action scenes than that time when Bucky and Cap fought on a freeway, you might need a better editor.
Another reality tip, if you are gonna ask a mechanic to fix your engine in the middle of the night, you best believe that will not take any less than two days. One hour, impossible.
Why does this alien terminator only get mentioned twice and keep showing up? You guys need to come up with more interesting villains who we have stakes to connect to.
The same goes for evil government dude (Ciaran Hinds). Why is the government evil? Can’t the US government actually help people out instead of hiding all we know about aliens? It happened in real life. Too bad this guy screwed up Steppenwolf in Justice League too. At least he can cross off two squares for crappy movie villain bingo.
Back to the alien terminator for a second. He looks like a lame version of Black Noir from The Boys. (shout out to my boss, Loudin, the only person I can talk to about The Boys. I need more of you to watch The Boys please.) I would pay the full price for a 3D movie ticket to watch Black Noir kill everyone in this movie (skip that last clip if you’re squeamish). The Scorpion King. Bethany Hamilton. Cato from District 2. Juni and Carmen’s mom. All of them. LET BLACK NOIR COOK!!!!
Is this the only movie where a stormtrooper’s weapon isn’t worthless in a fight? The Rock takes out those two huge thugs with just the prop stormtrooper guns.
Can movies make up real reasons why humans can’t have superpowers other than “yOu DOn’T usE YoUr FulL bRAin PoWEr?” Heck, if John Carter and Man of Steel can give me legit reasons for superpowers, so can you, Race to Witch Mountain!!!
Is “Witch Mountain” some kind of reference to Mount Sinai? Are there gonna be ten alien commandments there written on stone tablets by the weirdo aliens from Kingdom of the Crystal Skull or the tall aliens from Arrival? Either way. I want it. “THOU SHALT NOT TOUCH THE PROBE.” “THOUGH SHALT NOT SAY, ‘I have got to get me one of these!’ LIKE WILL SMITH IN INDEPENDENCE DAY.” “THOU SHALT MAKE A NEW ALIEN FRANCHISE MOVIE EVERY 15 YEARS WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT.” Thus says ET.
Do they ever mention why The Rock was in prison? Maybe he fixed a football game for running for a touchdown instead of throwing one. (sorry for the crappy reference, but The Rock has been in several football movies. Had to make one joke.)
I want more movies where a kid uses their superpower to win or steal some money. She didn’t grab any of those casino tokens, but I appreciated that the two blonde wonder twins used their skill right away to get some money for their trip. Shazam figured it out. Spider-Man tried to do it. But I missed the part where it’s my problem to write realistic child-like actions when a kid has superpowers.
Alright, that’s all the jokes I can remember. The long and short of it is, this movie is bad. Bad writing. Ugly CGI. Terrible and wacky editing. No stakes.
2/10
Until I see another one.